I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I like big cars, big
cigars and naturally big tits. I believe the money I make belongs to me
and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad
comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out
I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with guns
doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a
reason. I think I'm better than the homeless. I don't think being a
minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a
racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I am not tolerant of others
because they are different.
I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want
to see it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. I believe that if you are selling
me a Big Mac, you do it in English. I like my porn without silicon. I
don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a Shield for unpopular
opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I think
getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one
extremely sloppy one per month.
I know what the definition lying of is. I think Oprah's eyes are way
too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.
I didn't think the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back
safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or
Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn't give you any
more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. I don't want to eat or
drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I
believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they
can do it in their schools. I think the Clippers should play in the
WNBA. My heroes are Newt Gingrich, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan and
whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I think creative violence
and useless nudity and sex makes movies more interesting and Iraqis
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is
fake, but I still think The Rock could kick my butt. I think global
warming is junk science. I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't
wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I
haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither
have you, so shut-the-f***-up already.
Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and
admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous
liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Play Station. I want to
know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches.
I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can
still kiss my backside.
I worry about dying before I get even.
I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a
stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latin midget selling them to me is
glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside
Ensenada. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth
Sense but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks. I want
somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when
I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull
out of the car are gonna be a gang-banging hommies or vatos.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a
parent. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement. I like hard women,
hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. I
believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your
living room. I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was
Sand of Iwo Jima and Ole Yeller. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a
genius until I had a kid. I will not conform or compromise just to keep
from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my soft drink can
in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps and I
crush my cigarettes out on the curb. Making love is fine, but sometimes
I wanna get laid.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
This email is a natural product. The slight
variations in spelling and
grammar enhance it's individual character and appeal, and in no way are to
be considered flaws or defects. Some settling of contents may occur during transit.