I am Your Worst Nightmare. I am
I like big cars, big
cigars and naturally big tits. I believe the money I make belongs to me
and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad
comb-over who wants to give it away to heroin addicts squirting out babies.
I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with guns
doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a
reason. I think I'm better than the homeless. I don't think being a
minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a
racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I am not tolerant of others
because they are different. I think wearing a helmet while riding a
Motorcycle makes sense. I do celebrate Xmas. I believe that if you
are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English. I like my porn without
silicon. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a Shield for unpopular
opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I think
getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one
extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition lying of is.
I didn't think the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe
and sane fireworks. I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy
Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student
doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on
the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods,
and they can do it in their schools. My heroes are Doug Christie, John Wayne,
Preston Manning, Ralph Klein and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine
Woman. I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes movies
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is
fake, but I still think The Rock could kick my butt. I think global
warming is junk science. I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't
wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I
haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither
have you, so shut-the-f***-up already. If I was abused as a child I don't
think that gives me the right to be a dysfunctional adult.
Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and
admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous
liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Play Station. I want to
know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches.
I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can
still kiss my backside. I worry about dying before I get even.
I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth
Sense but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a
parent. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement. I like hard women,
hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. I
believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your
living room. I frequent restaurants where the waiters do not have a lisp
so I can enjoy the food. I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry
was Ole Yeller. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I
will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings.
Sometimes I throw my soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle
bin is just a few more steps and I crush my cigarettes out on the curb.
Making love is fine, but sometimes I wanna get laid.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
Email is a natural product. The slight variations in spelling and
grammar enhance it's individual character and appeal, and in no way are to
be considered flaws or defects.